Thursday, August 13, 2015

Republican Primary Candidates as Hockey Coaches

So, your coach sucks. It's okay; most coaches suck. They blow calls, play infuriating players, and never seem to use their timeouts appropriately. It can be infuriating.

But don't worry! There's a great new crop of coaching candidates that will soon be available for a job with your favorite team. Let's take a look at this new crop of hockey coaches coming to a town near you:

Jeb Bush

Preferred System: Doing what his more successful brother does but with glasses on so it seems smart.

Notable Moment: When his starting goalie's career died, Jeb heroically kept playing him long after it was time to pull the plug.

Ben Carson

Preferred System: Bug fuck crazy. Just way the Hell out there, like what the fuck.

Notable Moment: Uh... I'm sure he's done something. I mean, he's an NHL candidate so there has to be one, right? I'll keep looking.

Chris Christie

Preferred System: Being a player-coach and standing in front of the net so no part of it is visible.

Notable Moment: Christie actually surprised people by working with an opposing coach to help manage things when the rink was overflooded right before a game. He then beat the shit out of a worker because he forgot to bring him jalapenos with his nachos.

Ted Cruz

Preferred System: It's basically the Left Wing Lock but done on the opposite side.*

Notable Moment: Delaying the start of a game for so long that the other team finally gave up and went home.

*See what I did there?

Mike Huckabee

Preferred System: It's a little murky but one thing's clear: if you don't like it then you are Hitler.

Notable Moment: Shane Doan called him "the best coach not in the NHL." That's high praise!

John Kasich

Preferred System: 1-2-2, with a high skating intensity and focus on mobile defenders that can jump into the play.

Notable Moment: Is Marginally competent.

Rand Paul

Preferred System: "What if there were, like, no system, man?"

Notable Moment: Has never actually won a game.

Marco Rubio

Preferred System: I don't know but he's young and here so it must be pretty good, right?

Notable Moment: Once looked like an idiot while drinking a bottle of water, which helps him relate to hockey players.

Donald Trump

Preferred System: Pretty much exactly like Don Cherry.

Notable Moment: Proud investor in the California Golden Seals, Kansas City Scouts, Atlanta Flames, Cleveland Barons, Colorado Rockies, Hartford Whalers, Atlanta Thrashers, and Phoenix Coyotes.

Scott Walker

Preferred System: Whatever his owner wants him to run

Notable Moment: Refused to play union members (this will be harder to do in the NHL).

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